More Damage – I cry for my younger brother

A letter to Terry 

Hi Terry

Thanks for your note below, re the letter to Steve. It is sad and pitiful you had to carry this load all alone.

Hi Bro 

It may be not for you to hate Steve but my hatred is still vivid at 60. 

That monster took away all my love and respect, I hated myself for many years. 

It wasn’t till 1998 when I met a very special woman who actually listened to my pain and I could speak openly to her about it, because She had been subjected to the same. 

Michelle may have been the cause of my marriage failure; but she helped me release the burden I had carried around for 40 plus years. 

God bless her, yes; I still have hate but I have learnt to control it, at least I’m not suicidal anymore, but again, my dear bro; my biggest release came at the cremation when that smoke rose, proof my monster had gone. 

Now I’m just a happy harmless alcoholic with no other intentions of self harm. 

Love Ya Heaps

Terry

I have often wondered, how things would have been different if we had been able to talk to each other about what was going on.

All sorts of things were not spoken about in the place; Madeline calls “very troubled”; words that are probably very understated!

It was the dichotomy, I find most troubling. The absolute imperative, that what happened on the farm, stayed on the farm. The picture perfect portrait of a successful family and business had to be maintained at all costs.

The lies and deceit used to maintain this dichotomy, infected the whole family and have damaged all of us.

When I started writing this Blog, I think my motives were basically selfish. I wanted to leave behind an explanation to my kids and grandkids, perhaps an excuse for my erratic behavior over the years!

The reality is very different; this is not just my story, at least to this stage; it is the story of lasting damage for all of us, and I now understand that perhaps I was the least infected!

Maybe for me; the dawning realization I was gay, made the initial acceptance of what Steve attempted to do to me, wrongly made it easier to understand.

For years I hated myself and what I was; I associated being gay with this type of perversion and refused to believe I could possibly be gay.

I can only imagine the doubts and insecurities this interference had on someone like yourself; it took me many years to understand that what Steve did was beyond all labels.

I don’t hate Steve, but I fully understand why you do; I cry with, and for you, my brother.

On a lighter note, I have never thought of you as an alcoholic! you are just someone with a passionate love and thirst for rum and coke!

Tes; you have been a good father and you are an adoring grandfather, since my diagnosis you have been unstinting in your support towards me and I love and respect you for this; thanks Bro.

Tes; we have reached a stage where we can laugh and cry together; whatever it was, that has brought us to this happy place cannot be regretted.

Love to all the family

Bruce

 

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