Shame and anger


Dear Ros

I was not in a good frame of mind when I returned from North Queensland late in July 1994, but you should have been the last person to feel the brunt of my anger.

You had been my PA for over 18 months and our relationship had blossomed despite my often-unreasonable demands, I was known as a difficult person to work with, but your quiet competence was usually the perfect foil for my foibles.

You had become my confidant and you were aware of the turmoil swirling around in my mind, your support was immensely important to me.

We did talk about what had happened in Queensland and your wise counsel was appreciated, but it is hard to fix someone when they are sliding into darkness.

Despite what I had achieved and, the growth of the group which I had been a big part of, the feelings of worthlessness would not leave me alone.

As in most of these cases, the reason for the argument is lost in the haze of memory.

What is not lost in memory is the shameful way I treated you that afternoon.

I was out of control and you had had enough, you were a proud and good person and there was no coming back from this abyss.

Brian became involved and, whilst I am not fully aware of the final arrangements that accompanied your departure, I was fully aware I had been totally out of line and any censure that was to come my way was fully deserved.

I was to feel your loss dreadfully in the weeks to come, missing your wise and good counsel. If there was anything I could have done to change history, I would have gladly done it.

We did catch up once, sharing a lovely lunch in your garden later in the year. I was delighted to see you were forging ahead with your life and humbled by your forgiveness, but; what else would I have expected from this gracious and charming lady.

We would SMS  and talk on the phone occasionally but we slowly lost contact,  I still think of you often and I hope you are doing well

You were a class act Ros, you did not deserve to bear the brunt of my frustration and anger.

I am deeply sorry.

With my very best wishes



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