Manic optimism and depression

 

Hi Sas

The years after my diagnosis and through to 2001 were marked by shifts between absolute optimism and deep depression.

Whether this had anything to do with the drugs, the diagnosis itself, or; my general state of mind, I really don’t know.

I do know,  I oscillated between drunken nights, some drugs and the effort of keeping everything together as far as work goes.

I was actually doing well at work;  Auctioneering, some work for Chris and project marketing were keeping me busy. There was however; still a real gap in my life, I felt I had let myself and everyone else down.

There was one night when Myffy was in town and I made the mistake of calling in to see her after a long night of grog and dope.

It may not have been too bad if I had gone alone but I took one of my fellow miscreants with me. We left Myffy’s hotel room in a far worse state than it had been in when we arrived.

I was too far gone to know who was responsible for the mess in the bathroom, but Myffy had to get housekeeping in to clean up after we left.

It put a fissure in my friendship with Myf and I wish it had not happened. It was just one of many nights where alcohol and drugs became a haven from the poison and the threat of HIV.

Christmas 1999 was spent with you Douglas, Bob and the kids. It was a great day with all the family together and me on my best behaviour.

Was and I left on Boxing day, we were heading to Bali to celebrate the turn of the Century and for two weeks of sun and surf.

I had met Rudi earlier in the year and I was looking forward to spending some time with him, we had great plans for our big New Year celebrations.

The holiday was wonderful but fueled by grandiosity, Rudi and I started to make plans for the importation and sale of Balinese furniture.

I had some money in the bank, I was earning good money but I wanted more, I needed the esteem and I needed to make a statement. I was lost but I wasn’t smart enough to know this.

I wish I could have spoken to you at this stage about the recklessness engulfing me, but keeping up the appearance of success was all important.

How hollow that looks in hindsight, but it is hard to be honest; even with people you love, when you can’t be honest with yourself.

The strength of you and family would eventually be the bedrock I needed, but there were still mistakes to be made before I would move forward.

Love

Bruce

 

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